I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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