Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
These tits shall not be calmed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
