im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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