Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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