those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
