Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
