god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
