Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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