I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
