I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
