I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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