my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
