So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
