new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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