Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
