shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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