I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
