the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
