Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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