You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
