the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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