can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
