That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize