bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize