im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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