i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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