She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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