If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
