Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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