I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
