pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
