I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize