So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
