I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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