He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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