That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
