I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
