he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
