Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
