We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize