Betty ford says i'm here all night
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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