Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
