I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
