I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
