i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
