So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This toilet bowl is my home.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
