to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize