i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
