im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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