when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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