I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
