I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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