woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
