I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize