Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have fence marks all over my body
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
