just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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