the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
the raccoons are back...
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