Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
