so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
